Who Else?

I'm in the computer industry. The rectangular, 6-outlet blocks I call plug-ins or power strips are correctly known as surge protectors. Hmm. Surge protectors. Sounds like a euphemism for condoms. Phrasing is so important in product branding.

Speaking of genitals, I can't help notice my own proud, handsome... No, that's not what I'm after just now. I'm here to report on the World Cup, one of those behind the scenes, hard hitting documentaries about life in South Africa. Like something Bryant Gumbel would do on HBO.

Life as a woman is hard. Ask any of the worldwide representatives of this condition - there are right at 3.5 billion of them. They will document at length how bad it is, any of them.

Life in Africa is berry hard. South Africa's AIDS cases make that country (and the rest of the dreaded sub-Saharan Africa region that you always get asked about when you donate blood) a desperately difficult place to live for many, many.

They're poor. Good shit, I'm going to drop $400 for a set of tires and I won't even blink. Well, maybe once or twice as the asshole, 24-year-old, slicked-back douche tries to sell me more expensive tires and rotation warranties.

$400 would be a stellar half-year's wages for a large segment of South Africa.

Okay, you understand, it's hard to be a black woman in South Africa. But listen to this.

From Sweden, a Dr. Sonnet Ehlers has invented a device known as the Rape-aXe. Rape is so prevalent in South Africa that the darkness of night creates curfew for women. Better to be where you must go 2 hours before dark, and even then it is about as safe for a woman as being held hostage in a maximum security prison riot.

Rape is epidemic in South Africa. I'm not talking about date rape or regret rape or spousal rape or any of the ways that rape has become a teddy bear for U.S. women. I don't minimize these categories; I just want to define what rape we are talking about.

I'm talking about grab her on the street rape. Often from gangs; a disturbing amount of the time with vicious beating and scarring and humiliation rituals beyond the terror of gang rape.

Poor women can't afford a doctor, or anything for that matter. They drag themselves home and try to get back going soon, because any woman who doesn't is no more than a bug in South Africa. She may get AIDS from the assault. She may have one of the rapists' children, pregnant in addition to the soul-shattering. And on and on. They'll all be hungry tomorrow.

Rape-aXe, a physical deterrent to screwing. This a device combines two concepts: a flexible rubber tube and an iron maiden.

The iron maiden is a medieval torture device that stands you up in a suit of armor, effectively - like an upright metal cabinet. Copious holes in the metal enable the sticking of knives and needles and anything that you fancy into the victim (I mean, the interviewee - sorry, Uncle Dick Cheney) to torture and murder said potential Al Qaeda #3 candidate.

Rape-aXe fits inside the excitement chamber and does not hurt the woman. Seemingly, it would be an untenable solution wearing a small culvert inside you, until you (the guy reader or the guy writer) consider this:

Women wear tampons periodically throughout their fertile years. They roll around with diaphragms and other IUD's. Lest we forget, with movies to remind us, their turnstiles are spun many times in and around the fertile years.

Sometimes the molehill expands to add a new room, the result of an infant coming through. The Rape-aXe is just another carry-around twat utility, if you will.

When a woman deploys a Rape-aXe, a man's meat-pile inserted into the Venus Homey Trap gets seized, like shit you owe taxes on. Grabbed like Palestinean land with an Israeli house on it. Like avoiding the fee at the anachronism known as drive-in theaters, going in the exit lane and popping tires.

More like it, from my younger days, like a raccoon in a steel trap. That garden is OFF LIMITS.

The Rape-aXe stays hooked on a cock even more effectively than, say, a 70-pound snapping turtle. It's not that the force is so great, like the jaws of a large snapper, but the makers of this device describe the experience of a cock-affixed Rape-aXe as akin to accidentally zipping Mr. Johnson in one's jeans.

I would like to know how they did the testing on this. "Okay, Paul, now that we've adjusted the device not to penetrate your urethra, how would you describe the pain?

1. Pain of sitting in a room with orange walls.
2. Pain of the daily alarm clock.
3. Hurts, but life hurts, so go talk to some sissy if you want a bunch of whining.
4. Hurts like being a Boston Celtic fan (in other words, being a whiny pussy).
5. Hurts like classic country music lyrics.
6. Hurts like falling off your bike.
7. Hurts, don't it?
8. Pain. Ow.
9. Listening to Wham!
10. Getting stuck in a car that flipped upside down, trapped for hours listening to a Wham! tape repeat.
11. Admitting in any way that you enjoyed the music of Wham!
12. Bully-punch pain.
13. Getting laughed at by cute chicks pain.
14. Dad whipping you pain.
15. Parents getting divorced pain.
16. Dick in a zipper.
17. Rape.
18. Stage 4 bone cancer.
19. A pack of rottweilers chomping my dick.
20. An eternity of custom-designed torment in hell.
20. Watching the Sex and the City sequel.


Note that the 2 #20 entries are not tied for 20th - they are the same thing.

The clamp stays on your cock. You cannot have it removed without surgery, and if you decide to tough it out, there is unpleasantness. You won't be able to piss. It comes in handy to piss, let me tell you.

That's our story from Soweto, the brutal underbelly of South Africa, which is dubbed "The Rape Capital of the World". Hey, we're number one! Not like the Bafana Bafana are going to do anything worthwhile in the World Cup.

I'm Claroofus Jones, reporting from South Africa. And yes, I am wearing a Rape-aXe in my ass right now. An empty one, so far.

Here's the thing. Such a device has been around for ages - a simpler model, but without moving parts and no literal teeth on your dick, just a piece of paper.

It's called the m-ARRiage. If you happen to sink into the wrong punani, you can't get out unless you go to a lawyer. You may never use Mr. John Henry in the same way again, after m-ARRiage is removed.

Appealing to women, the guy usually pays for the m-ARRiage device, whereas women have to buy the Rape-aXe (aka, the Jaws of Wife).

As usual, South America is way behind in culture and technology.

Claroofus Jones